Author: Write & Highlight

Nature vs. Nurture

The Fine Line Between Mom & Step-Mom

One of the greatest joys that I have experienced in life is being a parent. My son BabyE has shown me that I can feel an overwhelming sense of love for someone that I just met, that I would sacrifice my happiness, my life, for this human in an instant.

But, what if you have a child that isn’t biologically yours?
Is that love the same? Are those emotions the same?

Any good step-parent will tell you, “I love them all equally.” Do you though? Is that bond the same between the child that was born to someone else and the child you carried and brought into this world. Honestly, no. It’s different. Not bad different, but there is a different level of bonding that is there when you have step-children.

Now, before you go getting all in a tizzy, I am by no means saying that I do not love P, in fact, he was my first chance at being a mom. So, like I said, I have a different love for him. I learned how to be a mom, learned about a sense of selflessness that I had never known before him. Our situation though, is different than most people. My husband and I raise P, 100% of the time and have for the past 5 years (note: he’s 9). When I say 100%, I mean full-on-no-breaks-100% of the time. So, in the “mom” sense, I am his mom. Am I his biological mother? No. But, being a mom is so much more than giving birth. I don’t get the chance to be a part-time mom, or a real step-parent that can leave all the parenting up to the biological parents. If I did that, my poor husband would be stuck raising P all by himself, and he didn’t sign up for that, he signed up for a partner to help him raise his child. So that is what I will be.

What is a mom really? Being a mom is everything else that happens behind the scenes. The things you don’t get credit for, the things no one sees. Like the time P threw up all over his Tonka Truck bed in the middle of the night, and my husband had to dig puke out of the crevices of the bed while I got a vomiting child into the shower while trying not to puke myself. Or, the time when P had his first baseball game and my husband and I were cheering like we were watching the Rays beat the Yankees. Or, when I had to help P write his first book report. Or, the first time P read a full sentence. You get the point. There’s so many moments we’ve experienced together, yet, I will never be his mother. I just won’t. I can be called Mom all day, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is biologically not my child. Now I won’t get into why we have him full time, or why he calls me Mom, but remember: there are 2 sides to every story, and the only victim in the situation is always the child.

I can be called Mom all day, but that doesn’t change the fact that he is biologically not my child.

So, how do you raise a child like you’re own, that isn’t biologically yours. In my house, it’s easy. P is my son. There is no “step” in my house except the little step from the garage to the house. He is not my step-son, I am not his step-mother. Legally, sure, if you want to be a technical jerk about it I am, but in our house we’re a family that doesn’t have those labels.

Raising a child that isn’t biologically yours is a thankless, and impossible job. You will never feel like you’ve done enough, hugged enough, loved enough, because there are always forces against you. There will always be people thinking that you’re overstepping; my advice to you, let them think that. Parent how you and your significant other deem fit. Set rules and boundaries and expect everyone to follow them. If they want you to take part in raising this child, they should support the decision you and your significant other make. If they don’t, then you know the don’t really support your familial relationship. One thing to always remember about being a “bonus mom”: Love the absolute heck out of that child. Be that person they know will always be a constant for them, because in their eyes, everyone can always leave.

How to Tell if your Boss is a Leader or an Intimidator

Knowing which type of boss you work for doesn’t happen in the interview process, sometimes it may even take a while for them to show their true colors. One thing rings true for every boss: they either criticize or provide feedback, and there are significant ramifications of both.

First to understand the difference between the two, let’s look at their respective definitions as defined by Merriam-Webster:

Criticism – to express disapproval of: to talk about the problems or faults

Feedback – helpful information or [helpful] criticism that is given to someone to say what can be done to improve a performance, product, etc.

As you can see they are both relatively similar, with the exception of a couple things.

Feedback is pieces of advice or (even criticism) that are actually helpful to the person being evaluated, it is showing them that while the work they are doing is not exactly satisfactory, they can improve by doing certain things.
Criticism is simple, “I don’t like it,” “no that doesn’t work,” “Delete this,” you get the point. Criticism is not providing helpful feedback or commentary, it is the act of degrading or condemning someone or someone’s work without a way of improvement.

How could this affect leadership?

Managers or bosses should always strive to help their employees reach for higher and higher goals, striving for success every time. A manager is only as successful as his team; bad team=bad management.  No manager or boss should ever be putting his employees down, or making them feel inferior in his presence; that is not a leader, that is a intimidator. A leader helps develop their employees into what is best for the company. An intimidator gives information to his employees to be regurgitated, basically his words, typed or performed by the employee. That way if something ever goes wrong, he has the employee to put the blame on with an, “I never said that,” or a “you misunderstood me.”

A leader provides feedback that is encouraging to the employee to resolve the issue, without feeling like a total failure. An intimidator says it’s wrong or they don’t like it without any kind of constructive advice behind it. So, how does this affect leadership exactly? One way to see if a leader is successful is retention: are employees sticking around? If that answer is yes, then generally, he must be doing something right. With so many opportunities out there, people aren’t sticking around in jobs where they feel unappreciated and undervalued. Now, on the flip side, does he have constant turn-around in his department, people asking to move to other departments, or complaints to higher up constantly about his behavior? Then, he’s probably a bad leader. A lot of the time bad leaders don’t just affect their department, their intimidation tactics stretch throughout the entire company.

How can you change your criticism to feedback?

This is easy, rather than condescendingly telling someone what you think of their work, provide a solution and utilize the sandwich method. This is: compliment – feedback/ways to improve – compliment.

The Sandwich Method

Compliment

Feedback/Ways to Improve

Compliment

An example of feedback using the sandwich method:

Hey Susan I really appreciate you getting me a draft on that blog so quickly. I do think we can work together to create a better headline though, something like “5 Ways to Tell Your Dog Loves You.” Also, I really enjoyed the part about the different dog breeds and their affection levels. We can meet to discuss this if you’d like, what do you think?

An example of criticism:

Susan, the headline has got to go, it doesn’t even make sense. Send me a new draft ASAP.

In this example we see Susan has written a blog about dogs and their affection towards their owners. Susan’s boss isn’t digging (get it) and wants a better headline. After reading both email examples, which one do you think would get a better reaction out of Susan? Example 1 still tells Susan she needs to change the title, without being condescending or patronizing. In example 2, we see the type of boss that criticizes work: he provides no constructive feedback, no ways of improving, and no collaboration. In example 2, Susan would probably get defensive. She’d do the project, but wouldn’t have pride in her work, or pride in her job. Trust me, by this point, Susan has already hit up ZipRecruiter. Example 1 thanks her for providing the work quickly, offers a solution to the problem at hand, and even offers collaboration in case Susan wants to take the lead on the headline herself, this example would bode a completely different reaction out of Susan.

How you talk to people goes a long way

It really all boils down to how you talk to people. Employee retention has a lot to do with happiness. We’re no longer in the age where people stay at jobs no matter how bad they are treated. Now, people want to be happy in their jobs, and who wouldn’t? You’re there for 40 hours a week, some people spend more time at work than they do with their own kids, so why wouldn’t you want to be happy in that kind of environment? People are leaving even if that means taking a pay cut, just so they can have a work-life balance that doesn’t make them miserable, and one thing getting people out the door faster than ever: condescending, criticizing bosses.

So, which one are you: are you a leader, or are you an intimidator?

Better yet, which one do you work for?